I'm not happy today. I feel down, depressed, smashed, weak, I feel like crap. I shouldn't feel this way considering what I just found out. A couple of months ago my eye doctor wanted me to see a specialist to check my eyes to see if I have Glaucoma. What that basically is, it's a disease in the eye which makes your eyesight weaker and as time goes on you become blind. After further testing, my awesome new eye specialist told me that my eyes are just fine and it's not likely that I have Glaucoma. Don't get me wrong or anything, that is fantastic news. However, it's not the first time I've been told something as great as that. When I was about 13-years-old, I went to see an eye doctor and I was told by the time I turn 18, my eyes would return back to the way they were and I wouldn't need to wear glasses anymore. As you can just imagine, I thrilled. What they told me never came true, instead my eyesight has only gotten worse. How do I know? I know that for a fact because almost every year I needed stronger prescription glasses. Even though my new awesome eye specialist told me that my eyesight is just fine, he still will be monitoring my eyes to see for possibly changes. The next time I'm going to see him again will be in 6 months. It maybe be possible that I don't have Glaucoma right now, but I may develop it in the future; the doctor didn't tell me that, I found that out when I did some research.
The testing I did today was rather unique. At first I was placed in a low dim room and there was a big white globe/ball with almost a third of it's side missing. Inside there is an orange light and I would stare at it while I was holding a small clicker. I was not to move my eye, I was told to just stare at that orange light, but I would also see faint lights flash around that orange light. Every time I was to see a light flash, I would click on the clicker that the assistant had given me. The test took about over five minutes per eye, the nurse, or assistant, whatever you want to call her, she printed the results and give it to my eye specialist. I also would like to mention that she was about 40-45-years-old, Asian, and her name was Anita C. After I was placed in another room, she stepped outside and chatted with another assistant. I could have sworn she said that "it might be Glaucoma." And I am most certain that she was talk to me. However, for now, I will discredit her, and I will believe my eye specialist instead. Perhaps she was talking with her about some other patient. I don't know and I don't care. However, I will keep that in the back of my mind. Furthermore, the one thing that I have learned today is that our eyes can't see everything, there are blind spots. I can't explain this to you, but if you want to know more, do some research.
Right now, I could care less if I go blind or not. At this moment, the way I feel, it doesn't even matter. My whole view of the world, life, universe, everything is in a dark state. I am unhappy and very anti-social, yet I don't know why. I do value my vision, my vision is truly important to me. Without it, I doubt that we humans would exist today. I believe that vision is /the/ most important human sense out of the five that we currently posses. You can take away hearing, smelling, touching, and taste. We all can easily survive without them, but we all must need to see, otherwise there would be Hell. I'm not going to clarify what I mean when I say "there would be Hell," you can just imagine how everything would be if we couldn't see. Survival becomes much more harder and you constantly will need help to get around.
Other developing things...
Today is the first day of the annual Hamtramck Festival. I will not attend today's event, I'm starting to hate the event. All the rides are lame, food is overpriced, the prizes are shit, and it's just not magical or great as it used to be when I was younger. Life was better when I younger and when I still didn't understand things. I loved that period of my time when I was still learning about life. I still have much to learn, but now I have a better understanding of how this fucking world operates, I find that it ain't pretty. I had less responsibility than I did now and I was happy. Wow, this is the first time in a long while that I have been down that didn't involve a girl. I am now reminded of Fouzia, I hope she burns in Hell. I can't wait until the day I do a blog entry about that bitch. I will not hold back. For now, I'll let the storm continue to build. That reminds me a chorus by D-12, with Eminem rapping:
My words are weapons
(I use em to crush my opponents)
My words are weapons
(I never show no emotion)
My words are weapons
(I use em to kill whoever steppin to me)
My words are like weaponry on a record
[Song: D12 - My Words Are Weapons]
My dad just came into my room telling me I should cheer up, even he senses that I am down, I feel like taking the keyboard that I am using to type this blog and just.....until he realizes that I just want to be left alone. I want to cry. Yet, I refuse to out of some non-existing spite. Now I feel angry. Why the fuck doesn't my room have a door where I can fucking lock it? I DEMAND TO BE ALONE!!!
Now my mom entered into my room and tired to cheer me up. She hugged me and tried to make me smile. I smiled not because it made me feel better, but because that's what she wanted to see, so I smiled for her. She just left, now I am crying a little bit. A tear from right eye was about to roll, I wiped it from my eye. Fucking mood swings. This isn't the first time where I have been sad the whole day. I woke up today not feeling great, it wasn't until later on that I really felt like I hit rock bottom. I've had this happen to me many times before, those close to me have all witnesses it. Maybe it's just my body trying to balance itself out. I am fairly a happy person, even happy people need to be sad. Whatever the case is, it doesn't matter, fuck it all.
Tomorrow my brother and I have a dentist appointment to get our teeth cleaned. Oh what joy that is. I hate my new dentist, he's horrible. The dentist who I used to have was just amazing. It was the first time in my life that I had such a great dentist, but he moved to Arizona. Even though he was one of the best dentist that I ever had, he wasn't an honest man. This is probably the reason why he relocated to Arizona, what a shame. What he did, is no one's business.
I also have been invited to my best friend's Milad, I believe that's what it's called. As disappointing as it sounds, I will not be attending.
Being in the negative state that I am, I refuse to even touch the topics about politics, God, College, or Ramadan right now. Tonight, I'm going to take it easy and try to relax. This isn't my day and I'm going to try to make the best of it. Writing on this blog has calmed me down somewhat. *sigh*
"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
In Joker We Trust
The following blog entry has been removed due to current controversy surrounding it. It shall be republished at a later date.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The Lone Rider
For the last two weeks, the thing that I have really enjoyed the most is riding my mountain bicycle throughout the dark and lonesome streets/sidewalks of Hamtramck. I've had the pleasure of seeing/witnessing things and events that others would miss if they used drove a vehicle instead. Sure, Hamtramck may be a small city, but there is so much hidden and things to see that has truly amazed and inspired me. How many of us can say that they stopped in the middle of the road and looked at the descending sunset? Not many of us since we are always tied up doing something that we aren't able to enjoy the beauty that the nature provides us.
The main reason that I love riding my bicycle is because of the freedom that I have. When I'm riding, it feels like I am all alone in the city, and that everyone else does not exist. I can't be bothered, I can't be touched. People have to move for me so they don't get hit, I get respected and feared at the same time. There is also a beauty when I'm riding my bicycle. The way I move side to side, it's almost hypnotic. It's like a beautiful dance, I make everyone stop in their tracks and watch me move, watch me sway.
Another great thing about riding the bicycle is the people you see. Every day, I will see at least a couple of people who I recognize, with whom I have went to school with, and with those that I spoken to in the past. Their faces bring back joyful memories, not always, depending on who I see. Today I was riding my bike and girl from my school waved at me, we didn't know each other that well, but we both knew each other. It brought a smile to my already relaxed face, and I proceeded to ride on wherever the I pedaled and steered, that's where I would head.
Yes, I do worry about my safety at times, I ride without a helmet. I wish I had one, even though I rarely see people wearing it, it's nice to feel protected. And yes, it does look silly, for anyone who thinks it's not cool to wear one, is a fool. I sometimes take it to the streets instead of the sidewalk, just so that my tires can feel the smooth pavement. Yes, the sidewalks are much more fun, and safe if I may add, due to bumps and such. However, the sidewalks also possess a lot of glasses by people who have thrown glass bottles on the sidewalks so that they can shatter into a millions of pieces. Those people have no decency or respect for others, safety, or laws where it prohibits littering.
Riding my bicycle, I am just awed by some of the hidden beauties my city has. Then, there are times that I wish I didn't ride my bike, or wish I had taken another route. For instance, I was riding on the Belmont Street, and maybe 20 meter ahead of me I saw a mother and her child. The mother placed the small girl is some sort of, I don't know how you call it, to help her walk. The little girl seemed to be maybe two or three years old, and should be able to walk on her own. However, as I approached closer, what I saw really crushed and hurt my heart. The little child wasn't healthy, I believe she may have had a serious case of Cerebral Palsy. She looked so helpless, so fragile, yet, so broken.
The mother turned and looked at me for a quick second, she looked at me with a dead face. A face so sad, that it was dry because all the tears had already been shed. Here I was riding my bike whereas the little girl probably will never feel the great joy that I feel. Seeing that little girl just made me realize how unhealthy this world truly is. How no one is really born healthy, everyone has a side effect or some fault. It also has made me realize how fortunate I am to be more complete than her. How a person like that could live, to be trapped within his or her body is a mystery to me. If that was me, disabled to such extent, I would love to be put out of misery. Living life trapped is not living life at all; there is no joy, only internal suffering.
Every day that I ride my bike, I see many fellow bicyclists enjoying themselves, having the wind blow through their hair and experiences the joys one can have only riding a bike. The one thing that I have observed is that the older ones tend to be the most friendliest. They will smile at you or wave, each with his or her own way. It saddens me that there aren't enough of us roaming the streets. Bicycles aren't expensive. They will cost around $100.00 and up, depending on the quality and brand you desire. Plus, they are very good for the environment, pollutant-free, like any of us really care. I really wish more people would get out and ride a bike, it just would be amazing to see streets filled with fellow bike riders. We wouldn't need to use the sidewalks since there wouldn't be many automobiles. And the impact on the environment would be tremendously positive. The amount of money we could save on gas would be shocking, we would get in better shape, and we would be more closer to one another. You can't really be close to another while you are in a car.
With the rising gas prices, I can expect more people will use bicycles to move around short distances. Bicycles will never be able to replace automobiles, but they are a great alternative to use during the summer to travel within a short area, working out, or just sight seeing. What will I see tomorrow? I have no idea. But whatever I do, I'm going to keep on riding, and that's for sure. For I am the Lone Ride. I ride alone, with no one to accompany me by my side. I reign the sidewalks, like an outlaw walking towards the sun, a memory edged into your soul.
"All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces."
- Gary Jules : Mad World
The main reason that I love riding my bicycle is because of the freedom that I have. When I'm riding, it feels like I am all alone in the city, and that everyone else does not exist. I can't be bothered, I can't be touched. People have to move for me so they don't get hit, I get respected and feared at the same time. There is also a beauty when I'm riding my bicycle. The way I move side to side, it's almost hypnotic. It's like a beautiful dance, I make everyone stop in their tracks and watch me move, watch me sway.
Another great thing about riding the bicycle is the people you see. Every day, I will see at least a couple of people who I recognize, with whom I have went to school with, and with those that I spoken to in the past. Their faces bring back joyful memories, not always, depending on who I see. Today I was riding my bike and girl from my school waved at me, we didn't know each other that well, but we both knew each other. It brought a smile to my already relaxed face, and I proceeded to ride on wherever the I pedaled and steered, that's where I would head.
Yes, I do worry about my safety at times, I ride without a helmet. I wish I had one, even though I rarely see people wearing it, it's nice to feel protected. And yes, it does look silly, for anyone who thinks it's not cool to wear one, is a fool. I sometimes take it to the streets instead of the sidewalk, just so that my tires can feel the smooth pavement. Yes, the sidewalks are much more fun, and safe if I may add, due to bumps and such. However, the sidewalks also possess a lot of glasses by people who have thrown glass bottles on the sidewalks so that they can shatter into a millions of pieces. Those people have no decency or respect for others, safety, or laws where it prohibits littering.
Riding my bicycle, I am just awed by some of the hidden beauties my city has. Then, there are times that I wish I didn't ride my bike, or wish I had taken another route. For instance, I was riding on the Belmont Street, and maybe 20 meter ahead of me I saw a mother and her child. The mother placed the small girl is some sort of, I don't know how you call it, to help her walk. The little girl seemed to be maybe two or three years old, and should be able to walk on her own. However, as I approached closer, what I saw really crushed and hurt my heart. The little child wasn't healthy, I believe she may have had a serious case of Cerebral Palsy. She looked so helpless, so fragile, yet, so broken.
The mother turned and looked at me for a quick second, she looked at me with a dead face. A face so sad, that it was dry because all the tears had already been shed. Here I was riding my bike whereas the little girl probably will never feel the great joy that I feel. Seeing that little girl just made me realize how unhealthy this world truly is. How no one is really born healthy, everyone has a side effect or some fault. It also has made me realize how fortunate I am to be more complete than her. How a person like that could live, to be trapped within his or her body is a mystery to me. If that was me, disabled to such extent, I would love to be put out of misery. Living life trapped is not living life at all; there is no joy, only internal suffering.
Every day that I ride my bike, I see many fellow bicyclists enjoying themselves, having the wind blow through their hair and experiences the joys one can have only riding a bike. The one thing that I have observed is that the older ones tend to be the most friendliest. They will smile at you or wave, each with his or her own way. It saddens me that there aren't enough of us roaming the streets. Bicycles aren't expensive. They will cost around $100.00 and up, depending on the quality and brand you desire. Plus, they are very good for the environment, pollutant-free, like any of us really care. I really wish more people would get out and ride a bike, it just would be amazing to see streets filled with fellow bike riders. We wouldn't need to use the sidewalks since there wouldn't be many automobiles. And the impact on the environment would be tremendously positive. The amount of money we could save on gas would be shocking, we would get in better shape, and we would be more closer to one another. You can't really be close to another while you are in a car.
With the rising gas prices, I can expect more people will use bicycles to move around short distances. Bicycles will never be able to replace automobiles, but they are a great alternative to use during the summer to travel within a short area, working out, or just sight seeing. What will I see tomorrow? I have no idea. But whatever I do, I'm going to keep on riding, and that's for sure. For I am the Lone Ride. I ride alone, with no one to accompany me by my side. I reign the sidewalks, like an outlaw walking towards the sun, a memory edged into your soul.
"All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces."
- Gary Jules : Mad World
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Death, Money, and the Pursuit of Sadness
If there is one thing that is guaranteed in life, it is death. For those who haven't heard yet, Mr. Harpen, one of the greatest high school counselor that Hamtramck has ever had, has passed away. Details of how he passed away are still unclear; he leaves a wife, a couple of children, and a couple of grandchildren.
I've had the honors of meeting the man, and even helping him out on some occasions. He was a kind, yet a firm individual, with a big heart to help out anyone in need. He took a lot of crap from students, but he never went completely bizerk. Yes, he will be missed by many, a tragic loss for Hamtramck High indeed. Finding someone to replace him will not be an easy task. May he rest in peace.
My financial situation, my way to pay for college just got a little easier today. Yes, I called the Welcome Center today and I was guided on how to reverse my declines so I can get a loan. I mailed everything in, and now I have to wait until I am able to get the money. My parents are not happy with the fact that I need to get a student loan, especially my mother. My family's financial situation is already crap, and seeing this, does not not help. I do worry that I will be greatly in debt when I get out of college, hopefully with federal funding and if I get some scholarships, I wont be in too deep.
I've heard so many times that college is expensive, that is true to every word. I never really believed in it, much cared, except for the last couple of days. My financial future is very unclear right now, and if I'm going to be in debt, I might as well invest in my education. I just pray that the Michigan economy improves, otherwise I'm going to be in some deep shit.
I do talk and attack the Michigan economy a lot. Michigan is truly a dreadful place to reside right now due to high job losses, high unemployment, intense crime, and government scandals. It is basically bleeding right now, and I don't think it's going to get any better since it is based on the auto industry, which is dying as well. I'm not going to go too deep into this today, but expect a bigger rundown of what is causing this great state to fail.
I can look at myself in the mirror and I can see the same old JOKER that existed a couple of years ago. Sure, I've grown taller, a little bit mature, but everything that was there a few years ago is still there. The formula of the JOKER hasn't changed too much. I look at my best friends, and I see that they have changed tremendously. I still love them to death, but I have to ask myself, should I change? Should I become more...manlier? Make no mistake about it, I'm still a child in a young adults body. But such change to myself can be lethal. The death of my immature personality means the death of my life. I don't think I can give that up yet. I believe at one point in my life, I will come to a crossroad where I wont be accepted by those close to me, I will be seen just as a big joke. I know that all great things must end one day, but to end for something as stupid as I can imagine, it will be funny. I'm not going to clarify anymore tonight, but sooner or later, I will, and I will have evidence, and you be the judge.
"Smile for me now"
- Tupac Shakur
I've had the honors of meeting the man, and even helping him out on some occasions. He was a kind, yet a firm individual, with a big heart to help out anyone in need. He took a lot of crap from students, but he never went completely bizerk. Yes, he will be missed by many, a tragic loss for Hamtramck High indeed. Finding someone to replace him will not be an easy task. May he rest in peace.
My financial situation, my way to pay for college just got a little easier today. Yes, I called the Welcome Center today and I was guided on how to reverse my declines so I can get a loan. I mailed everything in, and now I have to wait until I am able to get the money. My parents are not happy with the fact that I need to get a student loan, especially my mother. My family's financial situation is already crap, and seeing this, does not not help. I do worry that I will be greatly in debt when I get out of college, hopefully with federal funding and if I get some scholarships, I wont be in too deep.
I've heard so many times that college is expensive, that is true to every word. I never really believed in it, much cared, except for the last couple of days. My financial future is very unclear right now, and if I'm going to be in debt, I might as well invest in my education. I just pray that the Michigan economy improves, otherwise I'm going to be in some deep shit.
I do talk and attack the Michigan economy a lot. Michigan is truly a dreadful place to reside right now due to high job losses, high unemployment, intense crime, and government scandals. It is basically bleeding right now, and I don't think it's going to get any better since it is based on the auto industry, which is dying as well. I'm not going to go too deep into this today, but expect a bigger rundown of what is causing this great state to fail.
I can look at myself in the mirror and I can see the same old JOKER that existed a couple of years ago. Sure, I've grown taller, a little bit mature, but everything that was there a few years ago is still there. The formula of the JOKER hasn't changed too much. I look at my best friends, and I see that they have changed tremendously. I still love them to death, but I have to ask myself, should I change? Should I become more...manlier? Make no mistake about it, I'm still a child in a young adults body. But such change to myself can be lethal. The death of my immature personality means the death of my life. I don't think I can give that up yet. I believe at one point in my life, I will come to a crossroad where I wont be accepted by those close to me, I will be seen just as a big joke. I know that all great things must end one day, but to end for something as stupid as I can imagine, it will be funny. I'm not going to clarify anymore tonight, but sooner or later, I will, and I will have evidence, and you be the judge.
"Smile for me now"
- Tupac Shakur
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Money Doesn't Talk
Right now, I'm feeling very stressed. Why you may ask? I messed up a little bit when it comes to my college finances, and now I'm worried that I won't get the money to pay for college. You see, I filled out my FAFSA, I got some grants, and I got some student loans. Well, having no idea what the fuck I was doing, I accepted all the grants and declined all the loans. Now, I got a big ass bill, I just find out that I'm not going to get all my grants at once, and I'm sitting her freaking the fuck out.
The real bullshit here is the support. Who ever the fuck designed the process for FAFSA, missed out one little fucking detail, most teens are going to fill it out themselves. I'm one of many unfortunate teens who have parents who can't speak English well and are unable to take care this for me, no, I have to do this shit myself. This whole FAFSA process is just stressful and could be redesigned for it to be a much smoother process. For everyone reading this, I'm not a person who can work with what is given to him. This is how it is with everyone, well most of the world population. I need to be showed what to work and I repeat, and overtime, I get better at my job and grow. It's like teaching a baby to walk, it's not going to learn how to fucking walk by itself!
Here's how it should be done...
Instead of filling out the complicated FAFSA online, why not have someone do it for you at the college or university you intend on going. Every high school student would receive a slip of all the necessary items to bring to the person working on your FAFSA, in this case I'll call the person working on your FAFSA a counselor. Also, your parents/guardians must be with you at all times, this provides support and comfort for you. The counselor would fill out the required information, and he/she will send it to the necessary destination. If for some reason a student is unable to bring his parents/guardians, then he/she will be granted to do it online.
When the FAFSA is processed, you and your parents/guardians would be called to make an appointment to come in and help decide to agree which grants (I assume you would accept all), and which loans to accept. This way, everyone is informed of whats going on and there is no need to panic like I do. Plus, your parents are involved and you feel much more secure about your future, unlike I do at this moment.
But see, the world doesn't think like I do. For some reason, it is always complicating things. That's what I don't understand. It doesn't have to be rocket science, it can be easy as 1-2-3, but people opt-out of this, and I don't understand why. As for what the fuck I'm going to do, I'm going to have to schedule an appointment with my Adviser to help me through this bullshit and I'm going to have to call the Welcome Center, a place on my campus, and try to be able to reverse the loans that I declined. I'll keep you all updated as to what happens.
"In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
- Benjamin Franklin
The real bullshit here is the support. Who ever the fuck designed the process for FAFSA, missed out one little fucking detail, most teens are going to fill it out themselves. I'm one of many unfortunate teens who have parents who can't speak English well and are unable to take care this for me, no, I have to do this shit myself. This whole FAFSA process is just stressful and could be redesigned for it to be a much smoother process. For everyone reading this, I'm not a person who can work with what is given to him. This is how it is with everyone, well most of the world population. I need to be showed what to work and I repeat, and overtime, I get better at my job and grow. It's like teaching a baby to walk, it's not going to learn how to fucking walk by itself!
Here's how it should be done...
Instead of filling out the complicated FAFSA online, why not have someone do it for you at the college or university you intend on going. Every high school student would receive a slip of all the necessary items to bring to the person working on your FAFSA, in this case I'll call the person working on your FAFSA a counselor. Also, your parents/guardians must be with you at all times, this provides support and comfort for you. The counselor would fill out the required information, and he/she will send it to the necessary destination. If for some reason a student is unable to bring his parents/guardians, then he/she will be granted to do it online.
When the FAFSA is processed, you and your parents/guardians would be called to make an appointment to come in and help decide to agree which grants (I assume you would accept all), and which loans to accept. This way, everyone is informed of whats going on and there is no need to panic like I do. Plus, your parents are involved and you feel much more secure about your future, unlike I do at this moment.
But see, the world doesn't think like I do. For some reason, it is always complicating things. That's what I don't understand. It doesn't have to be rocket science, it can be easy as 1-2-3, but people opt-out of this, and I don't understand why. As for what the fuck I'm going to do, I'm going to have to schedule an appointment with my Adviser to help me through this bullshit and I'm going to have to call the Welcome Center, a place on my campus, and try to be able to reverse the loans that I declined. I'll keep you all updated as to what happens.
"In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
- Benjamin Franklin
Saturday, August 9, 2008
A Classic Dreamer
Right now, It is about 3:44 AM and I'm just sitting here in front of the computer listening to old classical music while surfing on Facebook. I'm feeling very relaxed right now, unlike my earlier rant, which is just mixed with true emotion and power. I'm listening to some artists, similar to Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., and Tony Bennett, who aren't just musical legends, but Gods. There is something appealing about the classical music from the old days, it was made during simpler times. A time when drinking was sophisticated, people who were obese were those who were filthy rich, and opportunity was around every corner. Sure, it wasn't the best of times, Europe was still in ruins and a Cold War was brewing, but there was a strong spirit among us Americans.
Such times are gone and now we enter a more complex period standing on a layer of an unstable economy solidified with worldwide conflict. People are more tense, grumpy, and paranoid then ever. I don't blame them, we live in a world where people's privacy and rights are deteriorating. People are more selfish then ever and there aren't many willing to stand up for others, it's as if it every man, woman, and child fight for themselves. After two world wars, bloody conflicts still exist, people are murdered every day, rape seems to be a such a common practice that there is no outrage in the community, and violence and crime are only increasing and getting more intense.
Ah, the beautiful sounds when music sounded good. The amazing thing about the classical genre is that they have the power to wash away all the troubles that one has, well, that's how I'm feel about it. For some reason, right now I'm feeling the urge to sit in a low lit room in an old green leather recliner. Next to where I would sit would be a small wooden table and on it I would have a couple of cigars and an open bottle of Scotch.. As I sit in my recliner, in my suit, not fully buttoned and my tie all loose, I would have a glass of Scotch in my right hand. I would sip it, and I wouldn't have a care in the world. When I would be at my last glass, I would raise it up in the air, and give a cheers to to the fantastic life that we all live in, and happy days to come. Then I would finish my last glass, only to look at my empty glass and to see our future.
"If you can dream it, you can do it."
- Walt Disney
Such times are gone and now we enter a more complex period standing on a layer of an unstable economy solidified with worldwide conflict. People are more tense, grumpy, and paranoid then ever. I don't blame them, we live in a world where people's privacy and rights are deteriorating. People are more selfish then ever and there aren't many willing to stand up for others, it's as if it every man, woman, and child fight for themselves. After two world wars, bloody conflicts still exist, people are murdered every day, rape seems to be a such a common practice that there is no outrage in the community, and violence and crime are only increasing and getting more intense.
Ah, the beautiful sounds when music sounded good. The amazing thing about the classical genre is that they have the power to wash away all the troubles that one has, well, that's how I'm feel about it. For some reason, right now I'm feeling the urge to sit in a low lit room in an old green leather recliner. Next to where I would sit would be a small wooden table and on it I would have a couple of cigars and an open bottle of Scotch.. As I sit in my recliner, in my suit, not fully buttoned and my tie all loose, I would have a glass of Scotch in my right hand. I would sip it, and I wouldn't have a care in the world. When I would be at my last glass, I would raise it up in the air, and give a cheers to to the fantastic life that we all live in, and happy days to come. Then I would finish my last glass, only to look at my empty glass and to see our future.
"If you can dream it, you can do it."
- Walt Disney
Black Hearts
Today, I woke up empty, weak, and I felt like crap. I didn't have the energy to do anything, I felt like a whale washed up on a shore of some deserted beach, and I felt lonely and sad; even though my family was there, it was as if I couldn't even see them, I felt so alone. I've felt this many times over my disgraceful summer vacation, but today was one of the worst episodes in a long time. I felt like a man who had given up, the ones you see in a movie where the man gets on his knees and asks God to end his misery. If you were to see me, it would be a sad sight to see. I even saw myself as pathetic, through my own two lifeless eyes.
I took a nap to try and control my depressing mood, but a few hours later I was awaken by my parents and their talk about their financial problems. I did not want to wake up hearing that. My little nap didn't do anything except make time go by quicker. My mom announced that she was going to give us all a haircut since we looked like woolly sheep and were in a need of one. When it was my turn, I sat in an old chair in my living room while my mom trimmed my hair, I didn't feel like going back to having short hair anytime soon. I sat there thinking, why do I feel like this?
I took a quick look at my life, my family's life, and I just realized how sad it was. I hadn't done anything productive this summer, this whole summer has nothing been but a great waste to me. I was disgusted with myself, and I became angry. I've always felt that there was a force holding me down other than gravity, I never was able to figure out what that was, until today. It is called love. I know you're sitting there thinking to yourself just what the hell is wrong with me. You even might be thinking that I should seek help or treatment to help me battle this "depression."
The thing is, I'm being smothered everyday by my parents, friends, and other people. It's as if everyone seems to love me, and the thing is, they do. I'm a nice guy who's always there to help someone in need, and people love me for that. I make everyone laugh, I bring friends up when they're down, why wouldn't people love me? I bring joy and happiness in my parents lives and I help them out so much with house work and important translating, and I don't ask anything in return.
The thing that I don't get is hate. I sat there and became angry at myself and for some reason I felt re-energized, I felt like a living God, and I felt like I wanted to crush humanity with my bare hands. It was as if poison flowed through my veins once again and it felt good. My desire to be a War Czar now seemed possible, and it puts a REAL smile on face that hasn't been there in a long time. The music group Queen has a song called "Too Much Love Will Kill You." Damn right it will! As of right now, I'm like an old machine that needs a good banging to get back to work.
Sometimes I wish that people around me stop treating me as a friend or their son, I'd wish everyone would try to hurt me physically. Emotionally, I'm already a train wreck, and you wouldn't even leave a scratch. Most importantly, I need discipline. I need people to stop being nice to me and I need them to try and wreck me. Right now, I would just love to be yelled by drill sergeant, I just want them to get in my face, to push me over the edge. I don't need comfort, I need pain. I don't need love, I need hate. I don't need allies, I need enemies. When I fall, I don't want someone to pick me up, I want someone to keep kicking me until I get up by myself. I want to bleed and I want to have scars. I need someone or something to piss of this bull that has been sleeping inside of me. I need someone or something to open the gates of Hell and let me rampage through the street, to cause havoc and spread fear into all.
I still feel trapped, and it is time for me to break free. Time to show the world what I can do and what I'm capable of doing. Time to make my name mean something. It is time, to do something with my dead life, time to feel alive once again.
"I want it all and I want it now!"
- Queen
I took a nap to try and control my depressing mood, but a few hours later I was awaken by my parents and their talk about their financial problems. I did not want to wake up hearing that. My little nap didn't do anything except make time go by quicker. My mom announced that she was going to give us all a haircut since we looked like woolly sheep and were in a need of one. When it was my turn, I sat in an old chair in my living room while my mom trimmed my hair, I didn't feel like going back to having short hair anytime soon. I sat there thinking, why do I feel like this?
I took a quick look at my life, my family's life, and I just realized how sad it was. I hadn't done anything productive this summer, this whole summer has nothing been but a great waste to me. I was disgusted with myself, and I became angry. I've always felt that there was a force holding me down other than gravity, I never was able to figure out what that was, until today. It is called love. I know you're sitting there thinking to yourself just what the hell is wrong with me. You even might be thinking that I should seek help or treatment to help me battle this "depression."
The thing is, I'm being smothered everyday by my parents, friends, and other people. It's as if everyone seems to love me, and the thing is, they do. I'm a nice guy who's always there to help someone in need, and people love me for that. I make everyone laugh, I bring friends up when they're down, why wouldn't people love me? I bring joy and happiness in my parents lives and I help them out so much with house work and important translating, and I don't ask anything in return.
The thing that I don't get is hate. I sat there and became angry at myself and for some reason I felt re-energized, I felt like a living God, and I felt like I wanted to crush humanity with my bare hands. It was as if poison flowed through my veins once again and it felt good. My desire to be a War Czar now seemed possible, and it puts a REAL smile on face that hasn't been there in a long time. The music group Queen has a song called "Too Much Love Will Kill You." Damn right it will! As of right now, I'm like an old machine that needs a good banging to get back to work.
Sometimes I wish that people around me stop treating me as a friend or their son, I'd wish everyone would try to hurt me physically. Emotionally, I'm already a train wreck, and you wouldn't even leave a scratch. Most importantly, I need discipline. I need people to stop being nice to me and I need them to try and wreck me. Right now, I would just love to be yelled by drill sergeant, I just want them to get in my face, to push me over the edge. I don't need comfort, I need pain. I don't need love, I need hate. I don't need allies, I need enemies. When I fall, I don't want someone to pick me up, I want someone to keep kicking me until I get up by myself. I want to bleed and I want to have scars. I need someone or something to piss of this bull that has been sleeping inside of me. I need someone or something to open the gates of Hell and let me rampage through the street, to cause havoc and spread fear into all.
I still feel trapped, and it is time for me to break free. Time to show the world what I can do and what I'm capable of doing. Time to make my name mean something. It is time, to do something with my dead life, time to feel alive once again.
"I want it all and I want it now!"
- Queen
Friday, August 8, 2008
Reality on Realty
When you watch television, and you see a commercial about a Realty Firm helping families buy a new home, it's a nice vision that puts a smile on your face seeing the family happy in their new home; the reality is, it's all bullshit. My family is in the market to buy a new home, and I have firsthand seen the evil side of the Real Estate Business. I had always thought that the men and women who worked in the Real Estate profession where people who took pride selling and buying homes for families. I was dead wrong. It's all business, your agent will try to screw you and "pressure" you to buy a home as soon as possible, and there are so many cost to account for. Buying a home is not an easy process, it's a very expensive one, and mistakes can be costly.
My family's Real Estate Agent...
He's somewhat new to the business, he speaks our language, and comes to our home unannounced (I find that very annoying). Well, we found a home that we were going to buy and we were very interested in, we placed a $1,000.00 down payment to show we were serious, we check the house again, and we noticed some problems we hadn't noticed before and declined to buy the home because there was no basement and there was a stench that came from under the house (my mom and small brother also have breathing/allergy problems). So you'd think that OUR agent would be on OUR SIDE and help us continue looking for a home, wrong! He was furious, an argument erupted between my parents and him, and now we only keep minimal contact through E-Mail (I'll explain later). Just to throw in a little fact, he was our agent for about 2-3 years and you can only imagine why he would be angry, but continue to read before you judge.
Suddenly, we started looking at the situation and we start freaking out a bit. First of all, the $1,000.00 deposit was at a trust account at HIS FIRM! I'm not going to mention the Real Estate Firm or our agent name out of respect. So, I, in request from my parents, they asked me to keep in contact with him through E-Mail and to find out how we can get our money back. Thankfully, he was a somewhat of a gentleman and was kind enough to explain that the money was held in an Escrow account, it is an "Earnest Money Deposit" as they call it. To get the deposit back, all we had to do is sign a termination form at his Real Estate Firm, and we should get a check back within a week, I'll keep you updated on this.
More facts: The home that we were about to buy was accepted for us to buy which was priced at $120,000.00. If we were to buy it, he would have made a 6% commission which amounts to an easy $7,200.00. PLUS including interest, he and his mortgage guy, altogether would have made over $20,000.00 (that amount, I was told by my father). So for him to get upset and to get into an argument with us was a bad decision. Not only did he lose a client, but he also lost a great deal of money in the future. I understand why he would be angry, but there are times you just have to let it go. Just to note, we are serious buyers, and we want to get out of this hellhole, so called, Hamtramck as soon as possible.
Five tips/tricks you need to know...
Since I have learned so much about the Real Estate Business in such a short amount of time, it would be wise for me to share some of my knowledge with you all. Here are five important tips, things you have to do and watch out for which will help you out greatly:
"Knowledge is power."
My family's Real Estate Agent...
He's somewhat new to the business, he speaks our language, and comes to our home unannounced (I find that very annoying). Well, we found a home that we were going to buy and we were very interested in, we placed a $1,000.00 down payment to show we were serious, we check the house again, and we noticed some problems we hadn't noticed before and declined to buy the home because there was no basement and there was a stench that came from under the house (my mom and small brother also have breathing/allergy problems). So you'd think that OUR agent would be on OUR SIDE and help us continue looking for a home, wrong! He was furious, an argument erupted between my parents and him, and now we only keep minimal contact through E-Mail (I'll explain later). Just to throw in a little fact, he was our agent for about 2-3 years and you can only imagine why he would be angry, but continue to read before you judge.
Suddenly, we started looking at the situation and we start freaking out a bit. First of all, the $1,000.00 deposit was at a trust account at HIS FIRM! I'm not going to mention the Real Estate Firm or our agent name out of respect. So, I, in request from my parents, they asked me to keep in contact with him through E-Mail and to find out how we can get our money back. Thankfully, he was a somewhat of a gentleman and was kind enough to explain that the money was held in an Escrow account, it is an "Earnest Money Deposit" as they call it. To get the deposit back, all we had to do is sign a termination form at his Real Estate Firm, and we should get a check back within a week, I'll keep you updated on this.
More facts: The home that we were about to buy was accepted for us to buy which was priced at $120,000.00. If we were to buy it, he would have made a 6% commission which amounts to an easy $7,200.00. PLUS including interest, he and his mortgage guy, altogether would have made over $20,000.00 (that amount, I was told by my father). So for him to get upset and to get into an argument with us was a bad decision. Not only did he lose a client, but he also lost a great deal of money in the future. I understand why he would be angry, but there are times you just have to let it go. Just to note, we are serious buyers, and we want to get out of this hellhole, so called, Hamtramck as soon as possible.
Five tips/tricks you need to know...
Since I have learned so much about the Real Estate Business in such a short amount of time, it would be wise for me to share some of my knowledge with you all. Here are five important tips, things you have to do and watch out for which will help you out greatly:
- First of all, if you're in the market to buy a new home or to sell yours, it is a good ideal to get an agent. However, finding the first agent and hiring him/her would be a bad idea. I recommend you interview a couple, find out what they can offer you, and make sure you are comfortable with them. Also, look up things to ask an agent, don't worry, there are many guides and suggestions online. Also, look him/her up and find out as much as you can about him/her. In addition, I would recommend you hire someone who has been in the business for a long time because that shows that he/she has experience, but also they tend not to be money hungry as the newbies, and they will be more patient with you and your search for your perfect home. Make a mental note, experienced agents are like the mafia, they know people and that could be very helpful for you in the future. The one thing that you must remember is having the right agent can make a world of difference.
- Second, if you're buying a home, make sure you know what you want. You need to know where you want it (the location), the square area of the house, the annual taxes, the price, if you want your home to be a ranch/non-ranch, the number of bedrooms/bathrooms, year it was built, etc... This is all important because out of thousands of homes that are on sale, you eliminate so many, and those that are left are those that fit your criteria. So make a list, do a little research about homes, also, look up information about mold (mold is a serious issue that homes have and it can make you sick, it can even be FATAL).
- Third, when you find your home, it is recommend that YOU CHOOSE to have your Earnest Money Deposit with a third party, do not give it to the seller or your agent and his/her company). This is where we made the mistake and things got even more complicated with our agent. I have found an article online that recommends you have it with either the Title Company or a Escrow Company. Also look up what rights you have to that money, you'll be surprised to know that you don't have many. Knowing how Earnest Money Deposits work can help you save hundreds, if not thousands of dollars if you decline to purchase your home after you made your deposit.
- Fourth, when you are going to buy a home, expect to pay many fees which may or will include the following: Loan Origination Fee, Loan Discount Fee, Appraisal Fee, Credit Report, Final Inspection Fee, Processing Fee, Flood Certification Fee, Tax Related Service Fee, Application Fee, Underwriting Fee, Escrow Waiver Fee, Closing or Escrow Fee, Title Insurance, Recording Fee, Survey, and Pest Inspection.
- I've gotten these fees from a document on estimating the amount for a loan for a property; something like that, even I'm not fully sure. I doubt you'll be paying for a every fee, but just keep in mind that you will have to pay for many (which may not even be listed here), and try to negotiate, if possible, to reduce or remove the unnecessary ones. Looking them up would be a great way to find out which are the useless ones that will cost you extra money. Yes, it is a pain, but a little research can pay off big time.
- Fifth, before you purchase your new home or even make a down payment, I would recommend you hire a Home Inspector. I should have placed this tip earlier, but since it is optional, I'm placing it at the end. Home Inspectors aren't expensive, maybe less than $500.00 (we hired a guy for $350.00), and the one thing we found out is that they take their job seriously. They will find imperfections that you may have missed and they will even take their time and write a very detailed report for you. You can even use the report from the Inspector, if he/she finds many faults with the house to lower the asking price of the home you intend to buy, which can be a great investment in the end.
"Knowledge is power."
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Welcome to the Virtual Circus
Now, before you all criticize me for choosing to be called "The Joker" and calling me a "poser," and things of that nature. Yes, I will admit that I am a big fan of the Batman, and my favorite super villain is the Joker, and yes, the Dark Knight is the shit. However, I did not choose the name because of those reasons, I chose it because in fact, I am a real life Joker. I make people smile, I make them laugh, I'm a man of humor.
There is no need for me to introduce myself since my audience will be to my closest friends, and a select few. The rest of you who are not invited by me, piss off. Hopefully, I will not get too lazy and updated every few days, I make no promise though.
So yes, I'd like to welcome you to my Virtual Circus. A place where I can write about how I feel, the way I think, and to show you a different perspective of the world. A place where I can speak strongly and freely (but not too strong or too freely, because you-know-who is also reading this).
"Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value."
- Albert Einstein
There is no need for me to introduce myself since my audience will be to my closest friends, and a select few. The rest of you who are not invited by me, piss off. Hopefully, I will not get too lazy and updated every few days, I make no promise though.
So yes, I'd like to welcome you to my Virtual Circus. A place where I can write about how I feel, the way I think, and to show you a different perspective of the world. A place where I can speak strongly and freely (but not too strong or too freely, because you-know-who is also reading this).
"Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value."
- Albert Einstein
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