Black Hearts

Today, I woke up empty, weak, and I felt like crap. I didn't have the energy to do anything, I felt like a whale washed up on a shore of some deserted beach, and I felt lonely and sad; even though my family was there, it was as if I couldn't even see them, I felt so alone. I've felt this many times over my disgraceful summer vacation, but today was one of the worst episodes in a long time. I felt like a man who had given up, the ones you see in a movie where the man gets on his knees and asks God to end his misery. If you were to see me, it would be a sad sight to see. I even saw myself as pathetic, through my own two lifeless eyes.

I took a nap to try and control my depressing mood, but a few hours later I was awaken by my parents and their talk about their financial problems. I did not want to wake up hearing that. My little nap didn't do anything except make time go by quicker. My mom announced that she was going to give us all a haircut since we looked like woolly sheep and were in a need of one. When it was my turn, I sat in an old chair in my living room while my mom trimmed my hair, I didn't feel like going back to having short hair anytime soon. I sat there thinking, why do I feel like this?

I took a quick look at my life, my family's life, and I just realized how sad it was. I hadn't done anything productive this summer, this whole summer has nothing been but a great waste to me. I was disgusted with myself, and I became angry. I've always felt that there was a force holding me down other than gravity, I never was able to figure out what that was, until today. It is called love. I know you're sitting there thinking to yourself just what the hell is wrong with me. You even might be thinking that I should seek help or treatment to help me battle this "depression."

The thing is, I'm being smothered everyday by my parents, friends, and other people. It's as if everyone seems to love me, and the thing is, they do. I'm a nice guy who's always there to help someone in need, and people love me for that. I make everyone laugh, I bring friends up when they're down, why wouldn't people love me? I bring joy and happiness in my parents lives and I help them out so much with house work and important translating, and I don't ask anything in return.

The thing that I don't get is hate. I sat there and became angry at myself and for some reason I felt re-energized, I felt like a living God, and I felt like I wanted to crush humanity with my bare hands. It was as if poison flowed through my veins once again and it felt good. My desire to be a War Czar now seemed possible, and it puts a REAL smile on face that hasn't been there in a long time. The music group Queen has a song called "Too Much Love Will Kill You." Damn right it will! As of right now, I'm like an old machine that needs a good banging to get back to work.

Sometimes I wish that people around me stop treating me as a friend or their son, I'd wish everyone would try to hurt me physically. Emotionally, I'm already a train wreck, and you wouldn't even leave a scratch. Most importantly, I need discipline. I need people to stop being nice to me and I need them to try and wreck me. Right now, I would just love to be yelled by drill sergeant, I just want them to get in my face, to push me over the edge. I don't need comfort, I need pain. I don't need love, I need hate. I don't need allies, I need enemies. When I fall, I don't want someone to pick me up, I want someone to keep kicking me until I get up by myself. I want to bleed and I want to have scars. I need someone or something to piss of this bull that has been sleeping inside of me. I need someone or something to open the gates of Hell and let me rampage through the street, to cause havoc and spread fear into all.

I still feel trapped, and it is time for me to break free. Time to show the world what I can do and what I'm capable of doing. Time to make my name mean something. It is time, to do something with my dead life, time to feel alive once again.


"I want it all and I want it now!"
- Queen