Eye Am Sad

I'm not happy today. I feel down, depressed, smashed, weak, I feel like crap. I shouldn't feel this way considering what I just found out. A couple of months ago my eye doctor wanted me to see a specialist to check my eyes to see if I have Glaucoma. What that basically is, it's a disease in the eye which makes your eyesight weaker and as time goes on you become blind. After further testing, my awesome new eye specialist told me that my eyes are just fine and it's not likely that I have Glaucoma. Don't get me wrong or anything, that is fantastic news. However, it's not the first time I've been told something as great as that. When I was about 13-years-old, I went to see an eye doctor and I was told by the time I turn 18, my eyes would return back to the way they were and I wouldn't need to wear glasses anymore. As you can just imagine, I thrilled. What they told me never came true, instead my eyesight has only gotten worse. How do I know? I know that for a fact because almost every year I needed stronger prescription glasses. Even though my new awesome eye specialist told me that my eyesight is just fine, he still will be monitoring my eyes to see for possibly changes. The next time I'm going to see him again will be in 6 months. It maybe be possible that I don't have Glaucoma right now, but I may develop it in the future; the doctor didn't tell me that, I found that out when I did some research.

The testing I did today was rather unique. At first I was placed in a low dim room and there was a big white globe/ball with almost a third of it's side missing. Inside there is an orange light and I would stare at it while I was holding a small clicker. I was not to move my eye, I was told to just stare at that orange light, but I would also see faint lights flash around that orange light. Every time I was to see a light flash, I would click on the clicker that the assistant had given me. The test took about over five minutes per eye, the nurse, or assistant, whatever you want to call her, she printed the results and give it to my eye specialist. I also would like to mention that she was about 40-45-years-old, Asian, and her name was Anita C. After I was placed in another room, she stepped outside and chatted with another assistant. I could have sworn she said that "it might be Glaucoma." And I am most certain that she was talk to me. However, for now, I will discredit her, and I will believe my eye specialist instead. Perhaps she was talking with her about some other patient. I don't know and I don't care. However, I will keep that in the back of my mind. Furthermore, the one thing that I have learned today is that our eyes can't see everything, there are blind spots. I can't explain this to you, but if you want to know more, do some research.

Right now, I could care less if I go blind or not. At this moment, the way I feel, it doesn't even matter. My whole view of the world, life, universe, everything is in a dark state. I am unhappy and very anti-social, yet I don't know why. I do value my vision, my vision is truly important to me. Without it, I doubt that we humans would exist today. I believe that vision is /the/ most important human sense out of the five that we currently posses. You can take away hearing, smelling, touching, and taste. We all can easily survive without them, but we all must need to see, otherwise there would be Hell. I'm not going to clarify what I mean when I say "there would be Hell," you can just imagine how everything would be if we couldn't see. Survival becomes much more harder and you constantly will need help to get around.

Other developing things...

Today is the first day of the annual Hamtramck Festival. I will not attend today's event, I'm starting to hate the event. All the rides are lame, food is overpriced, the prizes are shit, and it's just not magical or great as it used to be when I was younger. Life was better when I younger and when I still didn't understand things. I loved that period of my time when I was still learning about life. I still have much to learn, but now I have a better understanding of how this fucking world operates, I find that it ain't pretty. I had less responsibility than I did now and I was happy. Wow, this is the first time in a long while that I have been down that didn't involve a girl. I am now reminded of Fouzia, I hope she burns in Hell. I can't wait until the day I do a blog entry about that bitch. I will not hold back. For now, I'll let the storm continue to build. That reminds me a chorus by D-12, with Eminem rapping:

My words are weapons
(I use em to crush my opponents)
My words are weapons
(I never show no emotion)
My words are weapons
(I use em to kill whoever steppin to me)
My words are like weaponry on a record

[Song: D12 - My Words Are Weapons]

My dad just came into my room telling me I should cheer up, even he senses that I am down, I feel like taking the keyboard that I am using to type this blog and just.....until he realizes that I just want to be left alone. I want to cry. Yet, I refuse to out of some non-existing spite. Now I feel angry. Why the fuck doesn't my room have a door where I can fucking lock it? I DEMAND TO BE ALONE!!!

Now my mom entered into my room and tired to cheer me up. She hugged me and tried to make me smile. I smiled not because it made me feel better, but because that's what she wanted to see, so I smiled for her. She just left, now I am crying a little bit. A tear from right eye was about to roll, I wiped it from my eye. Fucking mood swings. This isn't the first time where I have been sad the whole day. I woke up today not feeling great, it wasn't until later on that I really felt like I hit rock bottom. I've had this happen to me many times before, those close to me have all witnesses it. Maybe it's just my body trying to balance itself out. I am fairly a happy person, even happy people need to be sad. Whatever the case is, it doesn't matter, fuck it all.

Tomorrow my brother and I have a dentist appointment to get our teeth cleaned. Oh what joy that is. I hate my new dentist, he's horrible. The dentist who I used to have was just amazing. It was the first time in my life that I had such a great dentist, but he moved to Arizona. Even though he was one of the best dentist that I ever had, he wasn't an honest man. This is probably the reason why he relocated to Arizona, what a shame. What he did, is no one's business.
I also have been invited to my best friend's Milad, I believe that's what it's called. As disappointing as it sounds, I will not be attending.

Being in the negative state that I am, I refuse to even touch the topics about politics, God, College, or Ramadan right now. Tonight, I'm going to take it easy and try to relax. This isn't my day and I'm going to try to make the best of it. Writing on this blog has calmed me down somewhat. *sigh*


"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson